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About Deviant JakeSteelMale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 9 Years
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Based on how my recent journal entry was... I'm just searching - looking for something to help me break out of myself.
Warning: Frustrated Post Incoming!

Sometimes I feel like I hate creative people, whenever I take the time to think about what I really appreciate when it comes to things that come from people – it’s always those with great talent in many different areas. Art, Music, Writings, Architecture, Craftwork – you name it. I’ve never felt like a very creative person, but I’ve felt like I’ve had a very active and colorful imagination. When I was a child I used to get in trouble all the time because I would be off staring out the window or into the corner of the room. Teachers thought I was bored or uninterested in learning. Some chalked it up to a lower IQ or ADHD / ADD… but they never really knew why. It’s because I was dreaming, of fantastic things. I would dream of space machines that could fly me away to incredible places in the cosmos. I would dream of places I’d seen in video games where I could be the champion of my destiny and save the day or someone I cared about. You see when I was young I didn’t have friends; I was socially awkward and mostly had only myself. So I took the time I had alone to think of what would be a life worth living.

In a way I guess all that time alone helped me hone my ability to clearly see details and stories play out in my mind. Once I got older and grew into being more sociable, I continued this trend but more so when I had alone time. It became a way for me to unwind after stressful days, and at times even help connect with some people who became my friends. But its lead me to a problem that’s plagued me ever since. I have all these images, scenes and people in my mind that I’ve created over the years... and I can’t get them out. I see them, hear them and watch them do amazing things and I want others to be able to see them too – but I just can’t seem to find a way to do it where it gives them the detail and justice they deserve.

I’ve tried playing the music I hear in my mind, but it never comes out right or well enough – I tried that for years. I tried drawing – I practiced for years and never was able to put pencil or pen to paper in a way where it looked even remotely what I saw in my mind. I tried writing and keep getting close but… I still fall into the same slump where it just doesn’t feel right. So I stop; and in my head they remain. It might sound cold when I say I feel like I hate creative people, but I mean that in a very envious way. I see people able to put words to stories, sounds to songs and visuals to paper or film that can so expertly express a concept or creative idea that I just can’t seem to match or even get close to.

Its lead me to this feeling that I’m incapable of releasing the creativity in my mind. It’s stuck there as long as it’s in my mind, I just don’t have the talent to let it out. Sometimes I feel like I get close to figuring something out, so I pursue a new outlet hoping that it will stick. One of the worst feelings I’ve come to know from this is that it never gains traction, or when I get something that I feel is up to public scrutiny – it feels stupid. That the idea, or the way I’ve conveyed it is stupid – so I remove it and stop.

So I’ve fallen back to what I seem to be good at – which is working and helping others. If I can’t be creative, then maybe I can at least help someone else be. For the last four years I thought this would be enough for me and that I could just get by with the little things that make me happy. But it’s not working anymore. Lately I’ve become frustrated to the point of depression because I can’t seem to find a creative outlet that satisfies me. I’m reaching out to almost anything available to me but nothing feels good enough, and if I stop trying I get this feeling of anxiousness. Almost as though I’m filling up inside and I need to get some of the pressure out. I feel stuck, in a loop of day in and day out. I get up, go to work, eat *sometimes*, come home – spend a few remaining hours with the one person who makes me feel special, and then sleep.

The worst part is that I can’t stop this cycle – because of all the student loan debt and bills I have, if I did stop for even two weeks my life would come crumbling down on me. I see stories of people giving up on modern life and going soul searching in other countries, or becoming a modern nomad. They talk about stories and records of humility and a reconnection with life that just seems to be a fairy tale to most people nowadays. I’ve dreamt about being one of these people, but I just can’t. The weight of my financial burdens are too strong, and even if I did just fuck it all and go anyway it would just fall onto my family, which would remove any happiness I could possibly get in return.

So here I am, at work, sitting in front of my computer writing this all down out of frustration in between taking calls. Most likely no one will read this and I’ll just end up deleting it all anyway. I just had to let some of this out, even if it’s to no one in particular. The optimist inside me won’t let go of the hope though, that one day I’ll figure this out and finally feel happiness inside that I’ve never reached before. So envious I will stay, frustrated I will be – but persistence shall endure… I’ve come too far and already stopped myself from ending it once; I won’t let this grow into a force that strong ever again.

  • Listening to: What Could Have Been - Myuu
  • Reading: Articles of Federation
  • Watching: You!! 0_o *hasnt changed!*
  • Playing: EVE Online - Random Steam Stuff
  • Eating: ThanksGiving-ish Type Food
  • Drinking: Duncan Cold Brew with Peppermint

deviantID

JakeSteel
United States
Current Residence: Chicago
deviantWEAR sizing preference: Medium - Large
Print preference: Calibri?
Favourite genre of music: Trance
Favourite photographer: o.o?
Favourite style of art: Anime / Realistic
Operating System: Windows 7
MP3 player of choice: Zune
Shell of choice: The one that works
Wallpaper of choice: Anything cool / funny
Skin of choice: My skin?
Favourite cartoon character: Ayane - DOA / NG
Personal Quote: Nevah Give Up! Nevah Surrendah!
Interests

Groups

:iconraccooncityoperation: :iconwriters--club: :iconthe-greater-good: :icontheimperiumofman:

Comments


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:icondangomango:
DangoMango Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2017  Professional General Artist
Cheers for the fave! Much appreciated :) 
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:iconstrawberry-pink05:
Strawberry-Pink05 Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2016  Student Digital Artist
:iconthxfavplz:
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:iconyasuoshubukan:
yasuoshubukan Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2015  Professional Artist
thank you for added your collection:)
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:iconleon-murayami:
Leon-Murayami Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2015  Hobbyist Artist
Thanks for the fav on my Ayane Sprite!
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:iconshadowheart170:
Shadowheart170 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2012
Thanks for the fav!
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:icona-killer-artist:
A-Killer-Artist Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you for faving :3 i appreciate it!
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:iconin2umniakillh3r:
In2umniaKillH3r Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks a lot for the :+fav: of my RE wallpaper. :happybounce:
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:iconheatheryingnl:
heatheryingNL Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
thanks for the fave~~!!:boogie:
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:iconheatheryingnl:
heatheryingNL Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
thanks for the fave~~!!:boogie:
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:icona-killer-artist:
A-Killer-Artist Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for faving my drawing :)
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